Refuse to be Average

I'm baaaaack?!

2009-05-03T17:57:00.004-05:00

I haven't blogged in a really long time.

I think I've had (have) writer's block. At Christmastime, I was inspired and wrote a play in, like, three days. Literally--once the idea came, it had to be written before I lost the motivation and love of the characters. So I'd stay up late, typing, and write every spare minute I had... and now I can say I've written a play. And since then, I haven't really written anything.

Instead, I've been reading--anything and everything. (But even then I feel somewhat incomplete, because I should be at least writing about the books I've been reading--because if I've loved them, I feel an obligation to recommend them.) And life in general has just been busy, so I've let my creativity slide the last few months. But, I am realizing that I miss the Krista that writes. I think she's coming back... not sure exactly what she's going to produce, but it's time for her to be fed again! So, time to be intentional about the whole writing thing. We'll see what happens...

Listening to: "So Small" by Carrie Underwood, anything David Cook
Craving: Thai food, All Star Wings (not together)
Just finished reading: "The Boy in the Striped Pajamas" (HIGHLY recommended)
Wishing: I had a better singing voice
Loving: Playing Mommy for a weekend with my brothers and little sister

The Inexact Science of Subtle Drama

2008-10-08T21:09:00.002-05:00

The original idea for this piece came to me in the middle of a work meeting sometime in the summer, but it took a while to form in my head--and then it pretty much wrote itself in one sitting. I'm not sure if the ironies will resonate with everyone but I think I like it...

THE INEXACT SCIENCE OF SUBTLE DRAMA
a monologue about oxymorons

I didn’t get the part. I don’t understand it! I gave everything in the audition. I was loud, I was bold, I was confident, I was passionate—I was acting. I mean, if that isn’t enough, then what is?

I asked the director why he wouldn’t cast me. He kind of just looked at me, as if he couldn’t believe what I was saying. So I asked again. He sighed, and then said something about me not being suited to the part, that they wanted someone who was a little less obvious in their interpretation of the character. I was so confused and I asked him what he meant. He thought about it for a second, and then said, “two words: subtle drama.”

Subtle drama? That doesn’t make any sense. How does that even work? I thought acting was about being out there, about putting yourself in front of the audience, about demanding their attention. It’s about saying here I am: all my emotions are bleeding in front of your eyes on this stage! Subtle drama? I don’t know how that can work. But whatever. I don’t want to be in his stupid show if that’s what he’s like. I don’t need your subtle drama.

Seriously, though, I still don’t get it. Why shouldn’t theatre be obvious? I thought about it all the way home on the bus. I think that director is using some pretty fuzzy logic. I don’t know how he expects his actors to get their message across. I mean, what does he want them doing? Standing on stage in a deafening silence? I don’t know. But whatever. Everyone has their own creative process I guess, whatever that means. But it doesn’t matter because I’m going nowhere in his show. It’s bitter sweet, I guess, but whatever. He can’t tell me I am a bad actress! We’ll just have to agree to disagree about our different visions of what a character is supposed to look like on the stage.

I’m over it. The stupid audition is old news and I’m moving on to the next thing, whatever that is. You know, I wouldn’t do his show even if he asked me to, and that’s like the same difference of not being cast at all. As for the whole subtle drama thing, I still don’t really know what he was talking about, but who really cares anyway? I guess it’s an inexact science, and that’s just the pretty ugly truth. Not like I know what I’m talking about or anything.

Sunflower

2008-09-17T22:46:00.008-05:00

On my Ipod:

Hollywood's Not America by Ferras, Beat It (Fall Out Boy version)

I love:

Performing with the piano, exercising while watching TV

I've dreamed about:

Political figures, getting an exclusive interview with Angelina Jolie

I'm happy:

That I haven't bitten my nails since the spring, that I have a good passport photo (I even kept the old one for entertainment's sake... it's just SO BAD), that Hannah is working with me this month

I miss:

Performing on stage, summertime

Sunflowers represent:

Cuteness, brightness in life that is worth celebrating

Perspective

2008-08-25T00:03:00.005-05:00

Maybe it's because I'm a girl, and because a lot of my friends are girls, but for whatever reason, the subject of emotions has come up a lot lately in conversation. Like, the whole debate over whether it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all and bla bla bla... I don't know the answer, maybe because my head and my heart disagree pretty strongly on that front. All I know is that I never want emotions to trump perspective. I don't want to feel without knowing there is something bigger to meter those emotions, to keep me grounded.

I guess it's kind of like being an athlete--sure, there are those moments of unbridled glory in victory, but they only come after years of training. That moment is only one part of the story. Ultimately, if you want to succeed, you need to have focus and commitment that overrides everything else. Know who you are, know what you want and believe in it--and then sort out the feelings thing.

Easier said than done, maybe--but I think it's worth trying.

Faster, Higher, Stronger

2008-08-18T22:40:00.005-05:00

It's the Olympics! I love it all: the sport, the drama, the passion, the pride... So far, there are tons of standout stories. None are quite as amazing, though, as Michael Phelps. Leading up to the games, I had decided that I wasn't a fan; I'd read a few articles in Sports Illustrated and Time and thought he was a cocky American. (My favourite comment was his response to the reporter's question "can you name two exercises that can help people develop a swimmer's body?" Phelps: "Well, they could try swimming.") I changed my mind, though, with each race, each record and each gold medal. Even my little sis, who still thinks boys are gross, admitted to me that she thought he was cute, big ears and all.

Physical conditioning aside, how can you not love a guy who can set world records even when he isn't feeling great... who wins by a mile even when his goggles have filled with water... who can slaughter the competition's dreams with a well-timed butterfly stroke touch... who respects his relay teammates, knowing his feat would be impossible without them... a guy who deep down is an ADD kid who was teased because of his big ears... a guy who wins his eighth medal and says he just wants to go see his mom?!

I admire the ability to channel all energy into talent and into passion. They say he takes everything--happiness, anger, everything--and channels it into strength in swimming. The famous Aussie swimmer Ian Thorpe was quoted saying he thought Phelps couldn't swing eight gold medals in Beijing. The article went straight onto Phelps' locker--and Thorpe was there, at the Watercube, to see Phelps prove him wrong on Sunday morning.

How can I watch and not be inspired?! Not that I'm planning on winning eight gold medals, somehow, I feel more ready to beat the odds. I've been feeling for a while that, well, it's about time.

Today's Four Thoughts

2008-08-12T22:55:00.004-05:00

- The one thing harder than getting hurt yourself is seeing someone you love get hurt and not being able to do anything to fix it.

- I am having insane cravings for jalapeno poppers this week.

- The Olympics are on! It's consuming us at work and it's a fun kind of busy. This is today's story that breaks my heart a little bit. On the other side of the spectrum, there is Michael Phelps and his five gold medals, five world records--so far. Yowza!

- One of the best things about having a younger sister is that you can dance around the basement together with hairbrush microphones singing Miley Cyrus. No apologies.

Bonne nuit!

Things I've been thinking about lately...

2008-07-27T22:16:00.006-05:00

It's funny how sometimes you can be yourself without really knowing yourself. You can exist being completely blind to major things (good or bad) that define you--and just when you think you've figured it all out, you surprise yourself yet again by learning something new.

Sometimes in relationships you have to learn to just accept what you can get. There are so many things you can't control. Sometimes you just have to be okay with that and enjoy things for what they're worth instead of always wanting more.

"Alice in Wonderland" is a good theme--for a year, for a party, maybe for anything! There are just so many possibilities for where it can take you...

Trend Watch

2008-06-22T22:36:00.004-05:00

I bought a hat last Saturday night and the next day Rihanna showed up at the MMVAs in one a lot like it. How fun is that?

Snapshot

2008-06-11T22:00:00.005-05:00

My most recent obsessive craving: anything with peanut butter (Reese's Pieces, peanut butter toast, chocolate peanut butter ice cream--ANYTHING!)

My most recent cool snack discovery: Dentyne Chocomint gum

My classic favourite nail polish: Lincoln Park after Dark

My new favourite funky nail polish: Lemonade Stand by Your Man

My new favourite song that I liked the moment I heard it: "Take a Bow" by Rihanna

My new favourite song I didn't like at first: "Mercy" by Duffy

The Bride 2008

2008-06-01T22:19:00.004-05:00

S-P-O-N-T-A-N-E-O-U-S

2008-05-26T22:17:00.002-05:00

Things have been so go-go-go, every-day-planned-to-the-minute lately that I've found myself really missing the chance to be spontaneous! So I fixed that tonight--with a pedicure that ended up evolving into dinner on my favourite patio, frozen yogurt and a walk down Main Street, including a wander by the film set of the Life Network made-for-TV Christmas movie they're shooting there (apparently starring Wendie Malick from "Just Shoot Me", who we saw hopping into the back of a minivan at the end of the night). So here's to being spontaneous, to hanging with friends when their shift gets cancelled (when does that ever happen?!), to having painted toes and enjoying the first warm summery night of the year. Here's to not being able to finish your dinner but still having room for dessert. Here's to bad inside jokes and junky Christmas decorations all over Main Street. Here's to smelling the lilacs and living in the delight of the moment, whatever it holds.

"To all the boys with whom I wanted to fall in love"

2008-05-10T23:20:00.004-05:00

This monologue started out as an attempt to put together something for a mean girl role audition, and then just ended up taking on a life of its own. So here she is, a nameless character born from my imagination, trying to say things that you can't always put into words. Even after spending time writing her story, I'd still like to understand more, because--love her or hate her--she's just trying to make sense of it all, like the rest of us...

To all the boys
with whom I wanted to fall in love

Have I ever been in love? No. Why—why are you asking? Yeah, no, I’ve never been in love. Why, do you think that’s weird? Seriously, though… You know, I don’t care what you think. Whatever. Go ahead, think I’m strange. I don’t care. Whatever.

(She turns to walk away, then pauses, deciding if she has more to say or if the conversation is over. Then, in a split second decision, she turns back and dives right in.)

You know, I hate the term ‘falling in love’. It’s so overused these days. Like the teenage girls who say they’re in love with their boyfriends. I mean, what does anybody know about love in high school? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. You think you know it all, but you don’t. So you let your heart get broken, or at least you think it’s broken, and you let your whole world fall apart. It’s so not real life. It’s just… stupid. The girls chasing every pair of pants that passes by, trying to one up each other to get the attention of guys who don’t even care about them all that much. I mean, we all know these relationships won’t make it past Thanksgiving, if you’re lucky enough to even last that long. High school isn’t love. It’s just a bunch of people who spend too much time together. Things happen because they have to happen. That’s all it is.

I know what you’re thinking now: that I must have had one really screwed up relationship in high school, and that’s why I feel this way. No, seriously, it’s not that easy—I mean, it’s not that. You know what it is? It’s that somewhere along the way I figured out the truth about relationships: that deep down, every girl wants the guy to like her more than she likes him, at least at the start. So, somewhere between my high school diploma and my university degree, I decided that I would stop pursuing and wait to be pursued. Why love unless you’re loved first? So that’s the way it’s been since then, and that’s who I am.

There were guys. There are always guys. Just never the right ones. I thought some of them could be the right ones. I definitely crushed on a few. Sometimes I even let my mind wander and think about the future and what it might look like. I wanted an us. I wanted it to work. I wanted it to work so badly, but it never did.

At the time, you make all these excuses to try and explain it away. He’s just not looking for a girlfriend right now. He’s focused on school. He’s focused on his job. He doesn’t have time for a relationship. He’s still getting over somebody else. And then he starts dating some other girl, and you realize that it none of those excuses can cut it any more. It hurts, and it’s disappointing, and you wonder if things might have been different if you didn’t demand so much. But it’s too late. He’s on to something else and you have to move on. You promise yourself you’ll never do it again. But it happens inevitably. You just try not to care as much the next time, and the fall gets a little less hard and you cry a little less and you keep going.

I wonder if things would be different if I could let myself go a little more, let myself feel a little more honestly. The funny thing is that once you decide to shove down your feelings, you can’t really take it back. It’s like you become barricaded in a castle that was supposed to protect you, but instead of being protected you’re isolated. You’re hiding who you really are, who you really want to be. Sometimes you’re even trying to hide from yourself, because you don’t want to face how you’ve failed your ideals. It’s all about minimizing the damage, really.

You know, I’m tired of defending myself—to you and to everybody else. The truth is, though, in every failed could-have-been-a-relationship, no matter what excuses you try to fabricate, it all comes down to the truth that it just was never meant to be. If either of you had really wanted it, you probably would have gone after it, tried harder, thrown away all your inhibitions and said here I am, here I am, love me. Something held you back, and I think it was knowing deep down that it was never meant to happen. That’s the difference between love and like, love and lust, love and whatever else, I guess. Then again, don’t listen to me, I wouldn’t know. I’ve never been in love.

It was just never meant to be for me. Still, to all the guys I could have fallen in love with, I like to think that they missed out on a good thing, because I am a good thing. It could have been amazing, it could have been so much fun, but it wasn’t meant to be.

So, whatever. That’s the way it is. Love sucks. So, whatever. Whatever. Whatever.

"The Bride"

2008-05-08T22:06:00.003-05:00

Every show I've done has been special and memorable in its own way, with something in particular that attracts me to it. My latest project--which has sent me backstage, as assistant stage manager, where my love of theatre began!--is Urban Promise's "The Bride". It's an incredible original play, full of meaning and allegory. This is the line that gets me, makes me shake my head in amazement and reminds me why I got into theatre in the first place:

JOSHUA: "Mike… I met this old guy on the bus today… it was so weird… we just started talking. So he’s been married for 46 years, and he said the most interesting thing about love… He said 'wait for the right one because a part of you always will.'"

How awesome--and true--is that?!

www.thebride2008.com

The soundtrack of my week

2008-05-02T23:26:00.003-05:00

It's been a weird week. Tonight, I feel like a totally different person than I was on Monday. Maybe that's a good thing, maybe it's just a phase or maybe it's 12:30 am Krista talking. Anyway, enough pop psychoanalyzing. Going straight to the music...

I'm Alive
(Bonus points for the cheesy grin to the audience at the opening... I thought I was the only person who did that.)

Stuck in a Moment
(This song keeps reappearing in my life... brilliant.)

Sorry
(Something about the lyric gets me: "Because everything inside it never comes out right/And when I see you cry it makes me want to die/I'm sorry I'm bad, I'm sorry you're blue...")

Just fine
(My cruising song for this week--and my favourite catwalk for the fashion show next week!)

"I didn't know a CAT was singing it."

2008-04-22T22:47:00.003-05:00

Tonight was Andrew Lloyd Webber night on Idol. My boy David Cook sang well but was admittedly a bit boring... so the show's best moment goes to Jason Castro. He chose to sing "Memories" and made me laugh out loud with his revelation in the opening video, "I didn't know a CAT was singing it." (Feel free to skip the ensuing performance. I wish I had.)

And with that, he won my heart

2008-04-16T22:07:00.002-05:00

Well, not exactly my heart. More like my vote, IF I was American and I COULD vote.

Anyway, I think I'm going to start watching American Idol.

The Girl is Rock and Roll

2008-04-15T21:36:00.004-05:00

After months of searching, I am now the happy owner of a Guitar Hero. I love it and it's become my escape from the current ridiculousness of my life. While I'm definitely nowhere near rock and roll yet, maybe with enough practice... maybe!

Well you're the real tough cookie with the long history
Of breaking little hearts, like the one in me
That's okay, lets see how you do it
Put up your dukes, lets get down to it

Hit me with your best shot
Why don't you hit me with your best shot
Hit me with your best shot
Fire away

You come on with a come on, you don't fight fair
But that's okay, see if I care
Knock me down, it's all in vain
I'll get right back on my feet again

Hit me with your best shot
Why don't you hit me with your best shot
Hit me with your best shot
Fire away

Well you're the real tough cookie with the long history
Of breaking little hearts, like the one in me
Before I put another notch in my lipstick case
You better make sure you put me in my place

Hit me with your best shot
Why don't you hit me with your best shot
Hit me with your best shot
Fire away
- Pat Benetar

Omigosh that's so, like, 2006

2008-04-07T00:00:00.006-05:00

This picture of Avril Lavigne at the 2008 Juno awards made me laugh, because she isn't the first girl to randomly carry a wand to a special event. Because once, some whacked out girl somewhere was at Party Packagers and decided that her friend's party would be a whole lot more fun if the girls all carried wands around Dave and Busters that night...

Man, what a fun memory that's turned out to be! Yes, some things in life are so much more fun with a WAND at your side! I love that I have friends who just roll with the crazy ideas--and I think Avril could agree.

Six Words

2008-03-13T23:34:00.005-05:00

Yesterday I came across the Toronto Star's "Six Word Memoirs" Contest--essentially a challenge to people to write their autobiography using just 6 words. What a random and totally cool concept! My favourite examples from their top picks: "Purple Mohawk teenager, now suburban mom", "I shouldn't have driven that night", and "Found loyalty and love despite myself".

So, of course, after finding the article I immediately asked myself what my six word memoir would be. The answer came to me almost right away: "The best is yet to come." Why? It's not that I'm disappointed with my life thus far (not by any means!) and it's not that I live in a state where I'm so desperate for the future that I can't enjoy the present. Living like "the best is yet to come" means that I have hope. It means that I can have vision, promise and an excitement about what God can do with my life. It means that I can love the present while keeping my eyes open for that next thing that I'm meant to pursue. So I live and love in the belief that the best is truly yet to come. Life may not be perfect, but it is a wonderful gift--and I want to celebrate that truth every day.

Enchanté

2008-02-24T23:27:00.006-05:00

Tonight I don't have to sleep on curlers and I don't have to pack my Spanx. Tomorrow I won't have to race to the theatre and maybe I'll even have time to eat dinner--and I won't have to actually squash myself into the Spanx afterwards. But it's sad! Beauty and the Beast is over. It was a great show, a great run. Who can't love living in a fairy tale world, even if it's only for a couple of hours? I will miss the cast, I will miss the performing and I will miss the magic. There were enough tears tonight at the cast party that if we all became enchanted tonight I think everyone would turn into a bunch of fountains!

I've learned so much over the past six months. There are lessons I'll carry with me to other auditions, other productions and just life in general. Even better, I now can say I've done a show with my brother! Sharing the stage with him has been amazing. I really can't wait to do it again.

Bonne nuit!

I am the Ipod Girl

2008-02-09T23:35:00.000-05:00

Some days I feel like the girl in the Ipod commercials--I always want to be moving, always want to be singing. So, for lack of anything else interesting to write tonight, I figured I'd slap up the faves on my current playlist:

Love Song
by Sara Bareilles. The chorus is so catchy and absolutely brilliant as far as I'm concerned.

I Don't Want to Be in Love
If you can manage to listen to this without getting up and moving, I am impressed by your self control but also think you're crazy. Put up your hands!

Good Life
Against my better judgment, I love Kanye West's beats. I can't vouch for his lyrics, but talk about catchy rhythm.

Sweet Escape
It's the one song that could consistently get me up in the mornings last summer. I love Gwen Stefani.

Anything Spice Girls
Enough said.

And, just because it's so tied to "Beauty and the Beast" warm ups, the Cupid Shuffle. To the right, to the right, to the right... and may you be retired come February 25.

Promises

2007-12-26T00:22:00.000-05:00

Somebody said to me the other day, "don't doubt in the dark what God has shown you in the light." It's a great quote, but when you weren't even sure of God's will when you were in the light, it doesn't always seem relevant. So I went to church that Sunday night confused by all the details of my life. There are so many decisions to be made, so many details that keep me from making them and so many distractions that steal my focus. I sat there, praying that I'd be able to understand why my life felt so disjointed. That's when it came to me, in piercing clarity: I had to stop focusing on the things I don't know, and just rejoice in what I do know. I know that I have a God Who loves me and has a perfect plan for my life. I know He has given me people to support me. I know that I will find the strength and wisdom I need in Him, and direction will be given and decisions made in His time. That's enough! In fact, it's more than enough, far more than I could ever deserve and far more than I could even wish for.

Merry Christmas!

Expressions

2007-12-23T01:33:00.000-05:00

There are a few commercials I love on TV right now: the WalMart one where the over-eager dad accidentally gifts the paper boy with his son's iPod, anything with Frank and Gordon the beavers and Gwen Stefani's HP commercial. I love the script of the last one in particular; I hear it and it's like it's me talking. After a year in which I discovered my insane need to fill my life with art and creativity, facing the realities of how I can make this happen and facing the reality that the creative life is a nonstop cycle of innovation and reinvention, this commercial expresses the Krista of 2007.

Sometimes it's so hard to find what it is I'm trying to say. People might think that you can turn creativity on and off, but it's not like that. It just kind of comes out, a mash up of all these things you collect in your mind. You never know when it's going to happen, but when it does, it's like magic. It's just that simple, and it's just that hard.

"This is Christmas"

2007-12-10T01:06:00.000-05:00

Show weekend has come and gone... and I'm sitting here, still with too much adrenaline to sleep, reflecting on an amazing run. About 7000 people passed through the doors of the church this weekend, each with their own story, their own preconceived notions, their own expectations, their own secrets and their own fears--and for an hour and a half, we had their attention as we told stories and performed music that represents the truth of Christmas. It started with the traditions of Christmas, then on to the joy of Christmas, then the pain associated with Christmas and finally the hope and celebration of Christ. Being a part of the huge story is an incredible honour for me and I can only hope that each heart left touched in some way. I know mine has been changed.

Favourite moments off the top of my head: getting high fives from Joel backstage after performing "Alone"; freestyling at the office party; saving the conga line from being cut and hamming it up with each show; interacting with Hannah in "Forget your Worries"; dancing with Joel backstage to "King of Glory, King of Love"; curtain calling with Reg's Herod; "Nine Lessons of Carols" and any scene that involved my go go dress. I'm sure more favourite memories will emerge over the next few days, as the debriefing process continues.

And for now: Soli Deo Gloria.

"Chosen"

2007-11-26T01:21:00.000-05:00

Last week, after Tuesday night rehersal, I pulled out a monologue I had started writing last year, sat down and finished it. This is the end result. I'm calling it "Chosen".

The angel called me Blessed, but I don’t feel that way right now.

I’ve been given an incredible gift. No other woman in the world will experience this. I’m pregnant with the child of God. I, out of all women, have been chosen to bring the Messiah into the world. Saying it out loud, I hardly can believe it, but it’s true. It sounds amazing, and it is incredible—but it isn’t easy.

I was an ordinary girl. My life wasn’t anything special, but I was happy. I was betrothed to Joseph, I loved him and he loved me and we were preparing for our life together. We had plans and dreams.

But, in one moment, everything changed. An angel came to me one day when I was alone. He said that I had found favour in God’s eyes, that God had chosen me to carry His child. I was terrified and confused, but the angel told me not to be afraid. He told me to rejoice, to celebrate, and to name the baby Jesus.

I said, “I am the handmaiden of the Lord; let it be as you have said.” Then the angel was gone, leaving me, but not leaving me alone.

In that moment, I did celebrate, and I sang, filled with joy at the honour bestowed upon me. Then I went to tell my family, my fiancé, and that’s when everything fell apart. Pregnant, immaculate conception, child of God? They didn’t believe me—still don’t believe me. My parents are upset and broken. Joseph is crushed. All the honour I had felt disappeared, and I am swarthed in shame. Purity has been replaced with the label of unfaithfulness.

I obeyed God, I accepted His calling—and I’ve ended up hurting the people I love the most. I didn’t know being chosen could be so painful. My parents look at me like they don’t even know me any more. They’re so hurt, so ashamed. They can’t look at me in the eye and they won’t believe me when I try to tell them what has happened. My heart bleeds, watching them hurt so much, with no way to convince them of the incredible truth.

Even harder is seeing the look of betrayal in Joseph’s eyes. I don’t think I’ll ever forget trying to tell him. I didn’t know what to expect when I went; I wondered if he, too, had been approached by an angel, if he knew and would understand me. Within a moment, though, I realized that had not happened. I watched as the range of emotions crossed his face, watched his realization that all of our dreams were shattered. It broke my heart. I was obeying God. Why did it have to hurt the people I loved so much? I had no choice but to walk away from Joseph, not sure if he would want to take me in his arms ever again.

And so here I am, lonely and desperate for someone to understand me, someone to trust me, to be able to rejoice with me. But I can’t have that, not right now. All I have is, well, God.

I feel sick all the time, like most pregnant women feel. I’m tired and I don’t know what to do. I guess the only thing I can do is wait—wait and trust. Wait as this child grows inside of me. Trust that God will either open the eyes and hearts of those around me, or that He’ll make a way for me to bear this on my own.

Well, completely not on my own. I’m not alone. I feel the baby inside of me move, and it reminds me that I have not been abandoned. Feeling life within me leaves me with a glimmer of hope, for despite all that has happened, deep down I know that I am truly honoured by God. I am blessed to have been chosen, no matter what the rest of the world believes. It’s strange; usually a child looks to his parents for love and protection, but here I am, feeling my child move within me and feeling safe within His presence. It’s like each kick is a promise, an assurance that He is God and that He is with me. And somehow, no matter how much rejection I must face, that promise is enough.

This Week

2007-11-22T22:13:00.000-05:00

Some weeks seem especially filled with strange randomness, and this was one of those for me.

Some highlights:

- I woke up one morning to find 13 text messages on my phone.

- I walked around the office for an hour feeling hot in my new pants--only to discover the tags were still hanging off the back.

- The first thing my coworker said to me this morning was, "what's wrong with your hair?!" since it was exceptionally flat-ironed.

- I sat down and in a strange fit of inspiration wrote a monologue one night.

The best part of it? It's only Thursday. There is still a weekend of randomness to look forward to--and with one show, two rehersals and a Grey Cup party, I don't think it will disappoint.

The World is My Oyster

2007-11-14T00:03:00.000-05:00

I have been thinking a lot about missed opportunities. I guess it's because I'm at a crossroads, a limbo I never expected between university and career, the time in my life when I thought I'd have it all figured out but turns out I absolutely don't. (Funny, but I have a sneaking suspicion that's never going to change!) On top of that, I've been pulling together a monologue for this year's Christmas show that talks a lot about missed opportunities and roads not taken, choices made and paths set. It leaves me wanting to hold to God tighter, keep my heart next to His to discern His will and live in fully the passions and talents that He has given me. I know absolutely that I don't want to miss out on His best.

I was thinking today if it is safe to pray that God will spare me from regrets. Are regrets just a part of life, a reality because we cannot experience everything, or can we expect God to protect us from them? Or can I simply pray that any regrets will pale in comparison next to Him? Or can regrets be a good thing, that draw our heart closer to Him in the future so we do not run off and keep doing our own thing?

In the meantime, I celebrate dreams and the God Who gives them. There is still so much to do, so much to experience, so much to lose but--and I truly believe it--even more to win.

Elphaba

2007-10-31T22:36:00.000-05:00

Since one of my favourite musicals is "Wicked", the story that turns "The Wizard of Oz" on its head, I decided to dress up for my siblings when they arrived home tonight. These are a few of the less ridiculous shots. (Katrina is Glinda, the Good Witch of the North, Alex is Bart Simpson, and Jonathan is himself.) We're so cute, haha!

Free Cake Day

2007-10-16T23:56:00.000-05:00

Today is apparently free cake day for me. It started when I picked up the phone at work to have a reporter say, "lover boy working for the weekend"? I was completely confused--and eventually it came out that Loverboy is an 80s band who sings the song "Working for the Weekend" and she wanted footage of them. I found it, complete with the the lead singer in his tight red pants and red headband. Not too much longer later, the reporter showed up with a piece of Dave Devall's birthday cake for me as a thank you! It was a sweet, hilarious gesture on her part. So random--and now I know about Loverboy (who knows when that knowledge could come in handy? Maybe in the Jeopardy category "Lost 80s bands"?).

Then tonight Alex and I stopped at Starbucks after our Beauty and the Beast rehersal and were given free coffee cakes along with our drink orders. Not a bad deal. It's not every day you get two free pieces of cake. So I enjoy and figure I have the rest of my life to count calories!

Thinking

2007-10-04T00:45:00.000-05:00

Tony Campolo is, as far as I'm concerned, brilliant. Do I agree with him on everything? No, but I have the utmost respect for a man who turns my thinking upside down and pushes me back to the point of reevaluating how my beliefs manifest themselves in my life.

Case in point: his interview with George Stroumboulopoulos. Watch it.

Thankful

2007-10-03T00:30:00.000-05:00

I have the best friends ever.

They jump start my car when I'm distracted and leave the light on inside for several hours... they rejoice in my happinesses... they rejoice in my happinesses even when they may be struggling themselves with different sadnesses... they spend hours talking--and, more important, listening--over coffee and hot chocolate... they don't say "I told you so", even when they totally could have... they have my back and are there to hug me.

I don't think it gets much better than that.

"All the world's a stage"

2007-09-25T23:11:00.000-05:00

The more theatre I do, the more I realize that the stage is an insanely vulnerable place. I'm developing a sharp love-hate relationship with it: while you are offered the chance to shine, surprise, grow and take on challenges, you may end up being a disappointment or just get passed over.

I think it is just too much like life!

Thankfully, though, I believe in an ultimate Director who sees beyond a bad audition, a bad night or neuroses big and small. In fact, He knows everything. Really, it can't get any better than that.

The next goal, then: start living like I believe that.

Having, Holding and Missing Out?

2007-09-19T22:00:00.000-05:00

How do you learn to trust God? I've been thinking about this a lot this week. I'm realizing that although I love God, I don't trust Him--at least not completely. There is part of me that somehow believes I can guard my heart better than He can--so I give Him some of me, while jealously barricading off the deepest corners. The ridiculous thing is that it takes so much energy to guard what I've kept, what I've given becomes irrelevant.

I know He wants 100% of me, and I know that He wants the best for me. I love Him, yet can't trust Him completely. It's such a ridiculous paradox, yet so real. I think realizing this is the first step to facing it... so, now what?! Can you really ever get to the place where you are completely abandoned to Him? The idealist in me says yes, the realist says probably not, the adventurer wants to dive in and try to find out and the deepest part of me is not ready to let go. Seems like a no-win situation--but it is winnable, if I can get to the point where I can just let go and let God, believing that He will know and do what is best, even if my shortsighted eyes don't understand His methods.

Happy Anniversary

2007-09-09T22:04:00.000-05:00

In Michelle's words, yesterday was our Brad Pitt sighting anniversary--so to "celebrate", some of us headed downtown to see him at his latest film premiere. He is one gooooooood looking man. I would love to justify this experience--because it was a great way to catch up and it makes a fascinating social psychology study--but ultimately, it seems silly to try to make it seem anything other than shallow. It is a little ridiculous that hundreds of people line the street, waiting for hours just to see another human being, and even more ridiculous that I am a part of it all, but at the same time it does make for a different night out. (We also hit Salad King for dinner, if that justifies anything...) So, no more excuses here, only to say that I love the Film Festival!

I could sleep, or I could watch "The Office"

2007-09-03T23:13:00.000-05:00

My latest addiction is the TV show "The Office"--and I do mean addiction. I've taken to staying up into the night to watch it, and I love it. I've never laughed so much at a TV show in a while. Favourite episodes so far: "Diversity Day" and "Drug Testing"... but I still have most of season 3 to watch. I guess sleep can wait!

That's all.

"It's like getting my big break and laryngitis..."

2007-08-21T23:13:00.000-05:00

There's something about this song and I just can't stop listening to it... Plus, this scene made me laugh out loud at the movie theatre. Who can't love Zac Efron?!

This is Me, Now

2007-08-06T21:17:00.000-05:00

These days, I find myself thinking a lot about enjoying moments. It's a recurring theme in my life and I know I've blogged on it before. I think it's come up again because all of a sudden, I've realized summer is past the midway point and I don't want miss a moment of it. While my life is far from perfect, I have found myself several times stopping and knowing that at this moment, there is nowhere else on earth I'd rather be. Cases in point:

- Waiting up into the night for my little brother to come home from camp--and him making me a balloon dog at 2am.

- Spending the night at the Jazz festival with my bro, sis and Licks burgers, corn on the cob, funnel cake and Jones soda.

- Eating street meat in the WSIB square with a coworker after Idol.

- Getting hugs from my 6'1" brother.

- Going out with Steph: Jake's for dinner and Mango cones for dessert.

- Spending the afternoon on the beach with Hannah, getting one ear sunburned; then going off to Idol, getting bead necklaces from insanely excited fans and listening to an hour of Queen.

- Going for coffee into the middle of the night and just talking with a friend. Who cares if you have to work in a few hours?!

- Avoiding cleaning the basement by blogging instead (okay, so maybe this isn't one of those truly good moments... or maybe it is?)

Rewriting Cinderella

2007-07-11T22:50:00.000-05:00

"Where are the hopes, where are the dreams
My Cinderella story scene
When do you think they'll finally see.."

I was listening to the title track from Avril Lavigne's latest CD today, thinking about life and how we don't always get what we want. I used to get really frustrated by all the things I didn't have, but in the last year, I've really tried to focus on living in the moment, loving as much as I can and finding beauty everywhere--in friendships, in moments, in scenery, in people, in a touch or a word or an action. I have so much for which to be thankful, so many learning experiences right at my fingertips, so many opportunities to push myself into experience, so many things to reflect upon and so many moments in which I just want to be, exist and love. So maybe there is no quintessential Cinderella story, maybe that shoe just doesn't fit me--and I'm okay with that.

I don't want ordinary experiences. I want to experience everything to the depth that it offers. Sure, Cinderella had it good, but I love that life doesn't have to mirror her story to be wonderful. Here's to rewriting Cinderella and finding the happily ever after moments everywhere!

The Surreal and the Shocking

2007-06-26T23:28:00.000-05:00

Today was full of jagged dichotomy, so random that I hardly know how to describe it--but I am pretty sure I won't be able to fall asleep until I at least try. I spent the 9-to-5 part of it at CTV, archiving a lot of red carpet footage. After several hours, I became frustrated with the shallowness of it all. It baffles me that we can live in a hemisphere where "who are you wearing?" can be the question of the night while, in another part of the same planet, children are starving to death, women are being forced into prostitution and wars are being fought. Don't get me wrong--I love fashion and would jump at a chance to walk or interview on the red carpet. Yet, hours of this on end makes me realize the ultimate selfishness of our North American lives. There is a time and place for escapism, certainly, yet I fear we've begun to live our lives in that constant mode, and it's morphed into a narrow selfishness that increasingly scares and disgusts me.

Another example: one of the top stories in the North American news today was that Paris Hilton left jail, strutting the exit sidewalk as if it were her own red carpet, as paparazzi--some in helicopters--captured the moment. We give so much attention to a rich girl famous merely for her party habits and trashy television. Beyond that, it's all hypocrisy, really--with global warming the hot button issue, helicopters were put in the air to follow Hilton's motorcade to her Beverly Hills mansion. All this--while so many others today died or had their lives unalterably shattered and went unnoticed.

Late tonight I saw the film "A Mighty Heart", the story of murdered journalist Daniel Pearl. I walked out of the film loving the movie, both ripped and inspired by the story and so convinced of my life's calling. I've been thinking about all my passions, from theatre to journalism, and I am convinced that I want to spend the rest of my life telling stories. There are so many events that need to be highlighted, so many people who don't have a voice. I have been given the privilege of North America, of an education, of family and friends who want me to realize my dreams. More and more I find myself cognizent of this, more and more am I alerted to my relative ungratefulness, more and more I am convinced that I was put here to bring stories to the world. I don't know what shape or form that journey will take, but I feel this passion ripping through me and with increasing conviction I know that it can't be silenced. Who knows how it will all pan out. My goal for now is to keep fighting for it--and enjoy even moment the ride! That can be my first story...

Top Ten

2007-06-18T23:07:00.001-05:00

Just because I feel like writing something random... In no particular order, tonight's top ten of places I like to be (I reserve the right to edit the list whenever I choose as well as the right to make twelve, nineteen or fifty-five the new ten).

1. Starbucks

2. On stage

3. A mall

4. Jake's on Main

5. Hillsong Concert

6. Ferry boat

7. New York City

8. Live television

9. Beach, preferably with blue water.

9b. Snorkeling in the blue water

10. Anywhere random with my girls

Heartbeats

2007-06-07T23:29:00.000-05:00

Ferry ride and Starbucks - does it get any better than this?

Hannah being thoughtful and artistic on the ferry.

Turns out we both love ferry rides.

Me leaving my mark in the sky.

Hannah's light beamed off the CN tower for a while.

Luminato is a festival of the arts debuting in Toronto this year. One of the hallmark displays are these lights on the harbourfront beaming into the sky. You go and hold onto these handles and the pattern of the beam changes to flash in the rhythm of your pulse. Because everyone's individual's pulse is different, each light pattern is unique and individual. Hannah and I went down tonight and had a lot of fun lighting up Harbourfront with our pulses. Such a random, crazy piece of art--and so fascinating on so many levels.

The big Hillsong and Starfield concert was at the Molson Ampitheatre on Saturday and when it was dark, you could see the Luminato spotlights in the sky, flashing as we sang the final songs. I could not help but be in awe of a God Who is so creative that each individual is unique, down to their very heartbeat. Being with 10,000 young people who were choosing to spend their night worshipping God was an incredible experience--and sharing it with my 12-year-old bro only augmented it even more. I walked away knowing that God is not only alive, but He is alive in so many people and this is a generation that can change the world for Him if they--we--choose to take up that challenge.

I stand back, thinking of Luminato, of Hillsong, of the melding of these seemingly unrelated moments, and know one thing: I want my heart to beat in tune with God's. I want it to break with the things that break His heart. I want it to be honest and loving, full and unafraid. I want everything--especially my passion and creativity--to reflect the One who is the ultimate in passion and creativity. May that be my heartbeat!

Guess I won't be applying at Starbucks anytime soon...

2007-05-29T21:21:00.000-05:00

So last Wednesday, Shayla and I decided to christen the new coffeemaker at work. Amazingly, we found everything we needed in the new office's kitchen: filters, coffee grounds, mugs and we bought milk from the diner downstairs. In the end, we decided that for two novices, the coffee didn't taste too bad. We even named our venture Krishay Coffee.

At the end of the day, I went to clean the coffeepot. I dumped out the grounds and pulled out the basket--and underneath, floating in the leftover coffee, was a plastic bag with the instructions manual and a bunch of complimentary filters.

Lesson: always take apart and check the coffeepot before christening it. In the end, though, I figure the Krishay coffee tasted pretty good for having had paper, plastic and filter brewed into it.

Here's to trying again tomorrow!

Something to Think About

2007-05-13T18:21:00.000-05:00

What would you do if you knew you could not fail?

No, I didn't come up with that. (I found it in a Mother's Day article; it was a saying Gloria Vanderbilt passed on to her son Anderson Cooper--aka my future boss, haha!) Lately I've been thinking a lot about the things that stop me from trying things (big and small): failure, rejection, self-protection... I'm thinking it's time to take a tip from Nike and just do it. Sometimes it's a good thing to live as if you have nothing to lose. So, here's to dreaming big, thinking outside the box, and living knowing that God is on my side!

Confessions of a Shopaholic

2007-05-08T21:28:00.000-05:00

It's not a secret that I like to shop a lot. People seem to be able to figure that out even before they know me (go figure). Tonight I hit three malls (count 'em) in my search for a Mother's Day gift. In the process, I discovered a few things about myself:

- I like buying gifts at Lululemon so I can keep the bags for myself (they're cool, mesh and have writing on them--doesn't get much better than that when it comes to free containers).

- I am addicted to buying lip glosses and graphic t-shirts.

- Out of everything I own, I love my Guess Jeans best.

- I think I could live in Sephora and never get bored... at least for a few days.

Deep, isn't it?!

The blur that was Friday night, Saturday, Sunday...

2007-05-07T00:11:00.000-05:00

I don't usually write about day-to-day life here (because, really, who cares?!), but seriously, this weekend was a blur. Friday night a bunch of us hit the movies for Spider-Man 3. (Somehow we even managed to get everyone there for one show, even if it did involve multiple ticket returns.) Saturday was the Fresh Festival at Peoples where I spent most of the day organizing food and catching Starfield playing their sets on stage. Sunday... well, let's just say Sunday me attempting to be creative, whether it was putting together a gift for Hannah, trying to dance or find a way to hide stuff in my bedroom so the basement looked clean for last minute guests. Somewhere between that today I went to church (and almost arrived on time--don't know how that happened), went to coffee, took a nap, went downtown (even with the DVP closed), went to Stouffville... and now, I'm blogging because I can't believe it's practically Monday morning and I need to make myself look decent in a few hours to go archive the news all day. I'm not ready to go to bed and make that start happening yet, as much as I want to sleep!

A few random memories from the last 72 hours...

- Getting a Gap Inspi(red) t-shirt.
- Marielle asking me to turn the oven louder. Even better was that I understood what she wanted!
- A certain member of Starfield nearly falling off his chair in the boardroom... twice.
- Having a Starbucks delivery at 6pm on Saturday--thanks, D! Best macchiato I've ever tasted, period.
- Planning to start our own band, "Fields of Stars", and coming up with ideas for our first single.
- Spending time with my little bro who looks so grown up in his surfer gear.
- Hugging my little sister and knowing that there's no other place I'd rather be in that moment.
- Having an impromptu goodbye gathering and laughing with friends over how hilarious we are.
- Writing my first rap, complete with choreography, as a tribute to a certain jetsetting babe.

Mixing it up

2007-05-02T23:02:00.000-05:00

I haven't been watching American Idol this season. I mean, I'm busy, as always, but honestly, none of the contestants really captured my interest this year. I think that changed last night. Talk about performance. Thanks, Blake; I think I might be watching the finale come end of May...

Wondering...

2007-05-01T23:19:00.000-05:00

I've been thinking of a lot of random things the last few days and tonight I'm asking myself two questions:

Can you love without fear?

Can you let go without feeling loss?

I'm not sure if I'd be satisfied with any answer. Say no and it feels like the pain of investment might outweigh its potential beauties. Say yes and I'll wonder if that's even normal. Even the (albeit fictional) Tin Man had the overwhelming need to fill the heart-shaped gap in his chest.

I guess it comes down to one fact: love--romantic, friendship and familial--is messy. I guess that's a good enough answer for now! Life will always be a ride--and I think when push comes to shove, I'm more than content in that fact. Love or lose, I hope that can be my bigger perspective.

Shut Up

2007-04-19T22:42:00.000-05:00

I've felt really introspective this week. There are lot of reasons for that, and I think it's a good thing to shut up and just listen, although after a while you get to the point where you just want to stop thinking and be.

I can't articulate everything that's been going through my mind. I do think I know myself a little better, though. I know that I never want to be unaffected by tragedy. I never want to be unable to see both sides of a story. I never want to pretend important things aren't happening, either in the world or my world. I never want to be so selfish I can't see other people around me. I always want to live, breathe, experience, reflect, process, even if it's painful or frustrating to do it.

So true... so melodramatic... so me...! Enough for now! Time to zzzzzzz....

Thinking through today...

2007-04-16T18:59:00.000-05:00

Today there was a shooting at Virginia Tech. It started in the early morning and the reports were that one person had died and several more were injured. By noon, the police announced fatalities numbered in the twenties. That's when I began logging the coverage at work for the newsroom and the reporter assigned to cover the story that night. Partway through, the fatalities jumped up to the thirties. Now they're saying 33 people have died--including the gunman, who took his own life in the end--plus another thirty or so remain in hospital injured.

It's weird watching television run the same images over and over: police running down the street, donning bulletproff vests, helping wounded out of buildings, walking past dormitories; students waiting on the sidewalk, or one guy's cell phone video with gunshots audible in the background... The same clips played over and over on CNN most of the afternoon. It's an odd feeling knowing that so much is going on behind the scenes: rescue efforts inside the buildings, surgeries inside hospital operating rooms, students converging with each other trying to find their families and news about their friends, discoveries--good and bad--by people and police... Yet all we could view were the same images over and over, until the authorities could release more information. There was this collective sense of knowing that so much was going on behind the scenes, yet bound to speculation and guessing--occasionally broken by new information, much of it unwelcome, like the moment the anchors read off the news that the death toll had jumped 150%.

The presser with the university president and top police officer ended at 5:30pm, and I could turn off the TV and go home. It almost felt like cheating to be able to turn it off and walk away from something that is going to drastically chage the lives of so many people. People died today at the hands of another human being. Survivors lost family members, friends, teachers, mentors, co-workers... People were physically hurt, psychologically damaged, shattered. So many lives have been irrevocably changed and scarred. How one person can look at the fragile thing that is life and decide to end it? It's so ugly seeing how low the sin nature can drag a person. At the same time, it makes me recognize even more the enormity of Christ's sacrifice for us--that He died to give us freedom, everlasting love and everlasting life, so that we don't have to be trapped by the sin nature with which we are born. News like this reminds me of the magnitude of all He's done.

More news will emerge over the next few days and people will have to cope with their new realities, pick up the pieces of their lives, face their loss. For me, tonight, all I want is to fall into the arms of someone stronger than me who will promise that love exists, that in a world where incredible darkness lives there are also those who are unselfish and truly care. I know that it's true, even in the senselessness of mass murder and the brokenness of smashed lives. That fact, I hope, will never cease to amaze me...

"Luke -- I AM your father."

2007-04-10T22:08:00.001-05:00

I lost my voice today and now I sound like Darth Vader. It's ridiculous and really annoying. Everyone keeps telling me how awful I sound -- the silly thing being that I feel fine. Whatever...

I'd like to think I'm a really good listener right now, though, so if you need to vent, now's your chance to take me out for Starbucks, haha!

Favourite Fame Moments...

2007-04-04T22:26:00.000-05:00

... well, the ones captured on camera, anyway! It doesn't include

1. All the girls singing Spice girls in the changeroom backstage while putting on "I want to make magic" costumes.

2. Getting my heart broken every night. (The first few times, someone would be backstage to hug me. Then I'd get a sympathetic look. By the end, no one even noticed me shuffle off in the middle of "Let's Play a Love Scene".)

3. Discovering--the hard way--that my pants were too low to bend over (much less dance) at rehersal... then having to try to explain to the director why I wasn't moving that day.

4. FINALLY getting the sequence of "Dancing on the Sidewalk" in Hannah's living room.

5. Being told to sit on Will's lap in "I want to make magic" and having a panic moment when I wondered if I weighed more than him.

6. Any time we rehearsed, performed or talked about "Can't Keep it Down".

7. Seeing Kaity Williams' smile when we broke into clapping in "Bring on Tomorrow".

8. All the costumes in "I want to make magic" reprise--and especially Hannah performing Pierot.

9. Marielle killing the audience with her ad libs (not to mention her song or her scripted lines!).

10. Half the cast bursting into tears during our final warm up of "Bring on Tomorrow". (Funny thing was that Will, whose character actually was supposed to be crying in that song, didn't seem sad at all. He told me he was looking forward to the show being done and having time for skateboarding.)

And that's how you do it.

2007-04-02T22:55:00.000-05:00

Fame closed last night. I wasn't going to cry... until other people started. That was all it took and I became a mess. For the rest of the night, all I had to do was hear the word "dance" and I was done. Such a great cast, such a fun show... I would do it again in a heartbeat.

More pictures to come later... This one is of our first set-up for the reprise of "I Want to Make Magic". It looks better in costumes and romantic lighting, I promise.

This is what learning to fly looks like...

2007-03-25T00:15:00.000-05:00

...at the Fame School. Clearly, we're enjoying it.

I'm gonna live forever

2007-03-22T22:38:00.000-05:00

I love opening nights... and Fame did not disappoint. I haven't been this hyper in a while. By the time the show was over, I was ready to run out and do it again. I don't know if that's a bad thing (a sign I didn't give it my all?) or a sign that adrenaline was pumping with insane full force. I'm going with adrenaline.

I can't think of any other show that is so dichotomous. Fame has everything: songs that make you laugh, songs that make you cry, gospel, hip hop, ballet, ballads, humour juxtaposed with poignancy and heartbreak and loss occuring simultaneously with vision and promise. It's a crazy two hour ride. As far as I'm concerned, definitely, definitely, definitely worth seeing.

There's the plug. Now I'm going to bed. The adrenaline is starting to wear off and there are seven performances to go still...

Fighting the Stereotype

2007-03-21T22:47:00.000-05:00

I don't like being stereotypical, so a couple of weeks ago I decided to come up with a list of the ways I am not like the typical girl. So far, it's sitting at two:

1. I don't need to pee as often as most girls.
2. I am okay with going to the public bathroom by myself.

Yeah, got to work on that.

Three Things

2007-03-12T22:19:00.000-05:00

I learned three things recently:

1. It is possible to get PMS so nasty that you don't even really want to hang out with yourself.

2. I am totally addicted to musicals right now. In order: Fame, Wicked and High School Musical.

3. It is very weird to stare into someone's eyes at close range. There are only two reasons why you might do that: you're either wanting to lean in for the kiss, or you're playing a staring game.

That's it.

Huh.

2007-03-04T21:44:00.000-05:00

I've been thinking a lot today about people who make it hard for you to love yourself. Sometimes what they do is intentional, sometimes not--but regardless, it's awful. At the same time, I wonder if I really care about not doing that to other people. Maybe I do sometimes, but I'm not sure that I care enough. Sometimes I even wonder if I care enough to even want to care. It scares me how selfish I can be!

The solution? "Love them like Jesus..." Easier said than done, though. I don't want to be open or vulnerable--I want to be safe. Can you do that without being an ice queen, though? I'm not sure yet. Huh...

At the risk of sounding like a total nerd...

2007-02-27T19:43:00.000-05:00

...my blog is one year old today. Even better, I haven't run out of things to write about yet!

Snicker, snicker!

I Love Roses

2007-02-21T00:19:00.000-05:00

I love roses. For me, they are intrinsically tied to theatre. In my very first show, the little boys I babysat at the time couldn't wait to present me with the bouquet they'd brought, so they raced it backstage before the show! I felt so loved and it was just the adrenaline boost I needed. I still have the dried bouquet somewhere.

Tonight, I hit the mall with Hannah, off to find costumes for Fame. (We tested the "danceability" of our choices by busting a few moves in the Winners changeroom. They have full length mirrors everywhere--it's perfect!) When I arrived home, my dad suggested I race off to Markham Theatre to catch the end of my little bro's dress rehersal for "The Music Man". I went down and caught part of the second cast performing. The best part, though, was when Alexander came running into the theatre partway through the show and presented me with a rose! Apparently someone in the show works at a nursery that had red roses left over from Valentine's Day and had brought them for the cast... and my little bro made sure I got one.

Yeah, I love roses. You don't need a boyfriend to get them, you just need the right guys in your life. Alexander, I can't think of anyone better to get roses from tonight. Smoochies!

FAME!

2007-02-13T07:28:00.000-05:00

Three words: tell your friends. This one is definitely worth seeing.

To be or not to be

2007-02-02T00:03:00.000-05:00

I like doing things.*
*Well, except on Sunday afternoons when all I want to do is crash on the couch and nap... but anyway, who is awake on Sunday afternoons... unless you're rehearsing for a show... remind me why I signed up for that again?!

Anyway, I think that I prefer doing to being. I can fake things when you're doing, at least for a little while. I can accomplish things and see results. When I'm being, though, I have to recognize my shortcomings and disappointments and failures. I have to stop and think, acknowledge things I'd rather not acknowledge, push harder and set new goals. Yes, I can (and do) celebrate how far I've come... but there's always further to go.

It's good to stop, though, and acknowledge this--to recognize my strength is in God alone, that I can do nothing apart from Him. It's easier though to celebrate a job well done, to ignore my true feelings and avoid dealing with my bad attitudes.

There was this moment in Mexico, while I was waiting for a latte at this amazing coffee shop on the corner, where I found myself alone with God. It was taking an exceptionally long time to get my latte steamed and once I had collected all the packets of raw sugar and stir sticks I needed, I didn't have much to do but wait. It was busy all around me, but I didn't know anyone and didn't speak Spanish, so I felt as if I was alone with God--and the thought occured to me, "I want to be still while the rest of the world rushes around me."

It's an unusual thought for me, but the truth is, I have a reason to be still. I have a God Who tells me just to pause, be still and know Him. More and more, I realize that I want--I need--my relationship with God to take the centre. I want everything else in my life to push to the periphery. Somehow, I'm certain that everything that drives me crazy will fall into place if I am focusing on the right thing.

Blue Monday

2007-01-22T23:17:00.000-05:00

Today is the most depressing day of the year. I don't mean personally--statistically, it's been calculated that today, Monday the 22nd of January, is the most depressing day of 2007. The idea was developed by a British psychologist and takes into consideration six factors: bad weather, unpaid Christmas bills, post-Christmas fatigue, failed New Years resolutions, low motivation levels and the feeling of a need to take action. There's quite a complicated formula where you plug in the numbers representing all these factors and come up with the date, which in this case is today. For reasons I probably don't need to explain, the year's lowest day always has to take place on a Monday as well.

My solution? I refused to let my day be determined by a mathematical formula and decided to enjoy it, no matter what it brought. So la de da...

Ornithophobia

2007-01-21T23:08:00.000-05:00

It's no secret that I am insanely ornithophobic. I don't like birds to get remotely near me (as anyone who has stepped outside with me knows). My parents wouldn't let me watch the Alfred Hitchcock movie for years because they didn't want me to be terrified. I don't usually mind seeing birds in pictures or films (unless I'm at Failure to Launch, a guy is attempting to rescusitate a bird on screen and my sister starts jamming her fingers into my neck going "caw! eee!"--that did freak me out a little). However, after reading this news story, I've decided that I am definitely going to be wary of not only live birds, but also seeming dead ones. Shudder! I'm telling you, you just can't trust those evil creatures...

(In Mexico one day, we came back to our hotel room to find the balcony door open. I hesitated in the doorway and asked the other girls, "a bird wouldn't hide in our hotel room, would it?" They said no, but I'm not completely convinced.)

Looking for a fix?

2007-01-14T00:55:00.000-05:00

I admire passion. The people I respect the most are those who refuse to settle, refuse to be limited, believe in dreams and dive in to fulfilling them. I love people who know that God is bigger than everything, that He is capable of accomplishing things beyond human comprehension and that He gives dreams that are meant to be fulfilled. This is what I want and seeing others with the same feelings--however different the specifics of their dreams may be--inspires me. I don't want to be "average". I want to dream big and live big and love it all.

Lately I've been thinking a lot about adrenaline and how much I love that, too. Work this week has been exceptionally desk-oriented and I've discovered how stir crazy I go, literally chained to my computer for eight hours a day (especially during the 3-5pm slot!). I love the rush of adrenaline that comes with performance, news reporting and drama. I'm increasingly determined to find a job that is going to fulfil my need for pace and creativity. I'm also continuing to pray about the potential for ministry opportunities that could incorporate some of these things.

My fear, though, is mixing up adrenaline and passion in my head--and, perhaps more importantly, in my heart. I don't think there's anything wrong with loving the adrenaline rush as long as it's kept in perspective as a temporary thing. Eventually it's going to end. Passion, however, needs more than adrenaline as its fuel. Passion involves faith, trust and long term vision. Adrenaline and the feelings that accompany it are perks, bringing energy, but ultimately everything has to be based on something bigger. In other words, God. Otherwise, there's not much to get you through challenges and dry times.

It's the whole faith-versus-feelings thing. I'm trying so hard to separate this in my head, to evaluate my dreams based on these things and not be so afraid that I don't attempt anything. I still feel at times like I'm caught in a bowl of spaghetti, tangled and stuck in a meaningless back and forth. Still, I believe in a God bigger than this and I want to hold on to Him, keep my heart pressed to His and trust the plan He has for me. He continues to remind me that He is faithful and that He doesn't change. Ultimately, He must be my passion. Everything else will follow.

A new reason to shop at Baby Gap

2007-01-13T15:39:00.000-05:00

So yeah... I've got this new guy in my life. He's super cute, baby faced, great listener and loves snuggling--and, just when you thought it couldn't get any better, his older brother is awfully sweet, too.

It's 2007!

2007-01-08T01:17:00.000-05:00

Eight days into the new year and I've already celebrated on a beach in Mexico, been reminded of how addicted I can get to things (now it's false eyelashes, henna tattoos, huge Dasani water bottles and cinnamon dolce lattes), been thrown to my knees in prayer when I had no other option, and forced to trust God in matters I never wanted to face. Still, I feel incredibly hopeful; not in a naive sense, but hopeful because of my relationship with God and hopeful because He is always there for me. If there's one thing I learned in 2006 (the year that saw my worst birthday, graduation and Christmas ever!), it's that I want my relationship with Christ--and not the quality of events that I experience--to define me. That's why I will remember 2006 as a great year even though it was one of the hardest I've ever had to live. Funny how that works, huh?!

What can I say? Bring on 2007!

Happy Boxing Day!

2006-12-26T02:00:00.000-05:00

Christmas 2006 is over--and now, VACATION!

Deeper thoughts to come later...

P.S. Okay, so posting this is a little cheesy, but I feel really grown up. I have been credited for my work! Looky looky... (the highlight is at 5:45).

Downtown

2006-12-24T01:28:00.000-05:00

The uptown girls hit downtown tonight to catch a performance of "Wicked". They say pictures are worth a thousand words, so I'll leave it at that tonight...

"Happy Birthday, Jesus"

2006-12-22T00:28:00.000-05:00

Caught up in the chaos and the politics of Christmas, I find myself drawn to this song and a child's voice reminding me of the simple beauty of Christmas.

Jesus is here. He is here and He came for me and you. When you shove aside all the distractions, that fact is all that matters. Everything else can take its place after that.

Happy Birthday Jesus by the Brooklyn Tabernacle choir
Happy birthday Jesus
I'm so glad its Christmas
All the tinsel and lights
And the presents are nice
But the real gift is You.

Happy birthday Jesus
I'm so glad its Christmas
All the carols and bells
Make the holiday swell
And it's all about You
Happy birthday Jesus
Jesus I love You

I want to be a Rockette!

2006-12-16T23:15:00.000-05:00

I wish I could dance!

I went to see the Radio City Rockettes show tonight. I went to the show because, first, I love theatre, and second, someone had told me they highlight the Nativity story as the true meaning of Christmas. So, three hundred dollars in tickets later, my siblings and I headed off to the Hummingbird Centre to see for ourselves.

Can I say: I was not disappointed.

The colours, the dancing and the music were gorgeous. The show is made up of eleven acts. The first ten are all about Christmas tradition: Santa, Frosty the Snowman, Christmas bells, the Nutcracker (complete with a belly dancing bear!), Christmas in New York... Then, just before the eleventh act, the lights go down and a voiceover talks about the true meaning of Christmas. They then present a "living Nativity", complete with live animals and much of the text straight quotations from the Bible. They present the story as both sacred and true: the journey to Bethlehem, Christ's birth, the shepherds and the kings. They then read the poem "One Solitary Life" which focused on the entirity of Christ's life and his incredible impact on the world. To end, the entire cast--dressed as shepherds, wise men and attendents--bow before the manger in worship. The stage darkens; the curtain falls; the voiceover wishes a Merry Christmas to the audience as the lights slowly come up. They didn't even curtain call.

It was truly beautiful. Christmas definitely comes with hoards of perks: family, tradition, generosity, decorations, food... but ultimately, it's all about Christ. Everything else exists because of Him and His love--and I was amazed to have found a mainstream production that seems to remember that.

If you have a chance to go see the Rockettes, go! You'll be impressed by more than one thing and you'll want to learn how to dance.

Off to practice my leg kicks,
Krista

P.S. The only slightly disconcerting part of the night was that my ten-year-old sister wore one of my pashminas and--get this--a pair of my boots. Don't get me wrong, she looked gorgeous. But she's ten. I'm not sure I'm ready for a borrow-my-stuff era with my kid sister. Not even my shoes are safe now...

"Another journey..."

2006-12-12T00:06:00.000-05:00

Deborah-Marielle (sans baby Shanaynay), Krista

and someone who looks kind of like Tom Green?

Angelic beings chill with Mary somewhere
between the journey to Bethlehem and the glorious birth

The wisemen's harem girls... "Another journey..."

The show is over. I am so, so grateful to know that I was in the right place at the right time. After so many hesitations, so many frustrations and--above all--so much ego getting in the way, I couldn't have asked for anything better.

So, before I forget them all, my random remembrances and lessons (some serious, some not so much) learned from this year's production weekend:

- Life is as much of an adventure as you choose to make it. Opportunities are as full as you want them to be.

- Taking the time to stop and pray brings a peace that only can come from God. It's amazing how it changes your spirit and your attitude. It's surreal, actually.

- The audience doesn't know it, but some of the mugs being sold in the Nazareth market had the playboy bunny symbol on them. Haha...

- I am not domestic. I can't even pretend to be domestic! I'm so not domestic that I can't even buy the right bottles of Febreeze.

- Do not eat lasagna--not before a performance, anyway. (This one was learned vicariously, thank goodness!)

- I am terrified of birds and I can't even hide it. All it took was a starling to get into the gym and I was reduced to a paranoid little girl. I almost hid under the table. As it was, I crouched down-- all but curled up into the fetal position--until someone finally opened the door and the thing flew out. In my defense, though, starlings are awfully big birds. (Okay, so I freak out at sparrows, too, but that's a moot point in this story.)

- I'm not very nice--at least on initial meeting.

- God is good. He is very good.

Opening Night

2006-12-09T01:02:00.000-05:00

After weeks--months--of rehersing, we've done the whole opening night thing! After months of waffling with whether or not I really wanted to be in the show this year, tonight I remembered why I wanted to do this, even in the context of a minor role. It's the adrenaline, the melodrama, the friendships and the gobs of make up. This is what makes this whole insane ride worth it. On top of it comes the fact that we got to tell the Christmas story to a huge audience. My prayer is that hearts would be woken to God's truth, and for those who are already believers, they will experience the Nativity in a fresh, exitingly new way. I know I have.

It wasn't a perfect show tonight, but it was a good show, and the director and producer were truly happy. I also didn't nearly faint from hunger and need to steal prop grapes from the belly dancers for sustenance. (Yes, another story there. It includes short shorts and an unfortunate hunt throughout the church for food--but that one I'll save for over coffee, not on the Internet. Actually, the truth is that it really isn't a big deal but I think if I told it live I could make it much more melodramatic than it was in real life).

It's 1 am and the adrenaline has started to fade, so I'm going to curl up in my comforter in front of the TV and think about sleeping.

Extra big hugs and kisses to my awesome "co-stars" tonight! Love you guys...

I got a song dedicated to me today...

2006-12-06T23:55:00.000-05:00

Can I just say that I love my little brother? After getting his head slammed yesterday in volleyball, he stayed home from school today... and spent half of it calling into Z103.5, finally getting through and dedicating "I Don't Feel Like Dancing" to yours truly. He even taped it so that I could hear it when I get home.

Cheesy, perhaps, but I feel loved.

XOXOXOXO!

Jealous

2006-12-05T22:36:00.000-05:00

I was jealous of Mary.

The Christmas show at Peoples' this year focuses on the Mary and Joseph story, using a little creative license to imagine some of the details that could have surrounded the Biblical account. Seeing the story told this way has been interesting. The humanity of these characters--and, for that matter, the characters that surround them--has struck me increasingly. In particular, I find myself gaining a new appreciation of Mary.

We respect her as a hero now, but at first, she seemed anything but. Yes, she was given a huge gift and incredible privilege by God. She was the chosen to bring His Son into the world. At the time, though, it looked like anything but honour. It looked like she'd sinned, like she'd disappointed and hurt the people in her life whom she loved and cared for the most. In reality, all she had done was obey. She had been chosen by God, but the honour came first masked in shame and misunderstanding.

Difficult, yes--but at the same time, I find myself initially jealous of Mary. She knew what she had to do, even though she was berated for her seeming failures. God gave her the task; she had no choice but to accept it. It certainly wasn't easy... but at the same time, to me, it seems simple. You're pregnant with My Son. I'll send an angel to clarify things with your fiance. Go on a long, difficult journey. Have your baby in a stable. Go to Egypt and hide there for a while. Raise my child. Watch Him grow up. Then watch Him die. No, it wasn't easy. I like to think, though, it was at least clear.

Or was it? Mary must have wrestled with doubts. I'm certain she must have wished she could have been like her friends and peers and allowed to live a "normal" life. I'd like to think she could always see the bigger picture, but God actually didn't tell her everything at once. It came in steps and she had to trust Him each time with each one as different challenges arose.

You're pregnant with My Son. It's an immaculate conception, but don't count on anyone believing that right away. In fact, many people won't ever believe it in your lifetime. I know the truth, though, and though it seems like this is a shame, you are really the most blessed woman of all time!

Your fiance is upset and doesn't believe you haven't failed him. You've told him the truth; now wait and trust me to walk him through this. I'll reveal the truth to Joseph when the time is right.

Now you've been pregnant for almost nine months. Thought your world hadn't been rocked enough? Leave your parents and go on a long journey to a crowded town.

Now you're in labour in a strange city. You're in pain with at the side of the road. Where do you go? Trust Me to find a place for My Son to be born.

Now Herod wants to kill Jesus. I know you want your family nearby right now, but you can't go home. In fact, you won't be able to go home for a long time. Go move--immediately--to another country.

Raise my Son. Watch Him grow up. I'll make sure He does My work, even when you don't understand it all.

Watch Him suffer. Watch His body be broken. Watch Him die. You're confused and shattered, I know, but this was always meant to be. Trust Me to bring all my promises to fulfillment.

So maybe things weren't always clear. Maybe she didn't always feel like she was in the centre of God's will. Maybe she questioned if this was all a big mistake, if she had misunderstood God's plan, if she might wake up and find it had all been a dream. Mary was called to one of the most difficult tasks any woman could undertake. My retrospect perspective likes to think her task was clear to her all along, but that wasn't the case. She had to let go of herself and hold onto God for all she was worth.

Then there's me. I sit here, confused about my job and my relationships, loving so much of my life but convinced some big changes are coming, wishing I knew what to do instead of endlessly searching for answers to the question "where am I supposed to be?" I thought Mary had things easy in comparsion; she was impregnated miraculously and just had to "roll with the punches" from there on. It wasn't that simple, though. God didn't give her the final chapter of the story, nor did he take away her emotions. He gave her opportunity after opportunity to exercise her trust. There was no total clarity, just Himself.

So maybe I don't need to be jealous of Mary. Maybe I just need to be inspired: inspired to trust God, to seek the centre of His will continually, to know that He has a plan for me just as he did for her. The details are fuzzy right now, but they'll be revealed in good time. I know the One Who has written the book and its final chapter.

Trouble Sleeping

2006-11-30T23:18:00.000-05:00

No, I'm not having trouble sleeping (unless not having enough time to sleep counts). It's actually the title of my current favourite song by Corinne Bailey Rae.

It's late and I'm feeling so tired
Having trouble sleeping
This constant compromise
Between thinking and breathing...

Okay, enough of that. (Oh, and in case you're worried I'm dropping hints, I'm not in love. I promise. Not that I'd announce it on my blog or anything if I was in love!) You can listen to the whole song on her MySpace if you're so inclined. Can I just say that MySpace is great that way?

I was really whacked out at rehersal tonight. It was a combination of being hungry (stupidly, I hardly ate all day), tired (not new) and generally in a bad mood at rehersals. I stopped at Starbucks on the way home (making it there five minutes before closing) and arrived at the house to find Alexander wearing a "ho ho ho" hat and decorating the tree (Marielle, I totally thought of you). We lay under the Christmas tree to look at the lights and discovered that you can have a lot of fun looking at your reflection in the Christmas ornaments. It totally distorts your features and it's like having small-scale funhouse mirrors--all conveniently located on your Christmas tree. I don't know how it took me twenty-three years to discover what is no doubt going to be my new favourite game for the next month. I already had to promise Alexander and Katrina we'd do it again tomorrow night, same time, same place (otherwise they weren't going to go to bed).

Yeah, so I'm crazy, but what of it? You already knew that.

P.S. I think this is me goofing off, knowing that tomorrow I have up to twelve hours of logging the Liberal Leadership Convention. Politics can be interesting, yes , but not as fun as looking at your reflection in a Christmas ornament and laughing at how big your nose is in it.

Confessions

2006-11-18T19:32:00.000-05:00

I guess I had better admit it before anyone finds out: I'm a two-timer.

Stewie is fun and funny and so isanely creative (and I do mean insane). There's also that bad boy vibe that many girls find attractive. Add the accent and what can I say? Slayed!

But Brian is so much more mature, cynical and has some pretty great comebacks. I feel a lot more protected around him, too. He also doesn't need diapers.

What's a girl to do?

P.S. Family Guy is an awful, awful, brilliant show, kids.

All that could have been

2006-11-16T22:40:00.000-05:00

I've been thinking a lot (too much?) tonight about regrets. There are so many things I wish I could go back and do over. I would have enjoyed moments more if I knew I'd never get them again. I would have demanded more honesty out of myself and out of others. I would have been less nasty and self-centered, more sensitive and strong.

It's not that I don't like myself or the path I'm taking. I just feel like I'm in a rut right now when it comes to my career, my snarky personality, my vulnerabilities and my lack of talent in certain areas. I wonder if there is a "what could have been" with God. I do believe that He is more than enough for me, that He while He doesn't rewind time He can give second chances, and that He can make things turn out better than I ever could imagine. I guess that ultimately, it's impossible to reconcile my humanness and weakness with His perfection. I just have to keep trusting Him, keep loving Him, and keep crying out to Him. I guess there's no "what could have been"--there is what there is, and I can put all of it in God's hands. He can take my regrets and my rejoicings, my good memories and my worst memories, my heart at its fullest and at its most crushed.

No greater joy is there than this
To know for what we’re meant to live
To hold Your hand and touch Your face
To find ourselves in love's embrace
I want to stand before the King
Join in the song that heaven sings
I want to hold the hand that holds the world
I want to know the mystery
Reach out and touch the majesty
I want to hold the hand that holds the world
--Starfield

Shout outs, because I don't want this blog to seem overly depressing:

Happy birthday, Scene Girl! Isn't it still friends after all these years, considering how awful we were to each other growing up? (I still can't believe our moms kept letting us play with each other!)

Hi, Marielle, who might be listening to Starfield live right now (or more likely, sleeping and getting ready to see Starfield live soon)!

High five to Hannah for teaching me how to make frothy coffee tonight and for the Africa smarties!

Mad props to Danielle for already giving us print outs of the photos from last Friday--but please, please e-mail them so we can put the stories online!

Evil grin at Heather for her plan to become Kelsey's bandits. I'm so in!

Everyone else... you'll just have to comment so I know you're reading. Until then, good night!

Happy birthday, H-Bomb!

2006-11-11T13:45:00.000-05:00

I arrived at church this morning for rehersal and the first thing Mark said to me:

"You don't look like you slept at ALL last night."

The first thing Jared said to me:

"You were streaking last night!"

Clearly, there is a story to tell--and well, for now it is one I will leave for a certain birthday girl to tell first. Later I will certainly have to add my two cents. For now, it's enough to say that I love my friends--and even more, I love laughing and celebrating with them!

Photos to come soon. I'm going to have a nap now.

Can I just say...

2006-11-03T00:27:00.000-05:00

...that I'm a total loser?

And that I'm totally okay with that?*

I left rehersal tonight, took the long way home, stopped at Shopper's Drug Mart and put my chequing account into (minor) overdraft buying inanely discounted Halloween candy, arrived home, laughed out loud reading Anderson Cooper articles online (and then couldn't really explain to my little brother why I was laughing out loud--not his type of humour I guess) and watched an episode of Jeopardy on YouTube. (Who even watches Jeopardy, much less on YouTube?! Sorry, Alex Trebek.)

Lame, I know... because it made me happy. Not bouncing-off-the-wall happy, but content happy. I think I spent too much time today thinking about myself, where I am and where I want to be and all that existential stuff that can really drive you bonkers after a while. Sometimes it's good to just sit back and laugh--maybe even laugh at yourself.

Now, all of a sudden, it's 12:30 am, I have to get up in a few hours for a day of archiving, and all I want to do is go to New York City to find my dream job.** In the meantime, though, I drink too much coffee, eat too much chocolate, spend too much money, like the song "Baby, It's Cold Outside" way too much, stay up way too late, get up way too late (well, just in time to make it to work by 9 am looking half alive), get my priorities all mixed up, get crushes on the wrong guys, get crushes on celebrities, flirt with guys I don't like, play ice queen with guys I do like, put my foot in my mouth (figuratively, not literally), make fun of people, wear big earrings, bite my nails, avoid wearing socks as much as possible, be loud, be quiet, eat stale cinnamon hearts, try to be funny, avoid cleaning my room, be organized, be disorganized, be random, love random and above all be self-depricating and try to keep things in perspective.

In my best Dr. Phil impersonation: how's that working for you?

Answer: I'm a loser--tonight, anyway--and it's all good.
____________________
*Disclaimer: I am totally okay with my loser status tonight. I make no guarantees for my mood at any other time than the present.

**Disclaimer: This entry, while likely an accurate representation of myself, does not necessarily reflect my work style and comptenency as a potential employee--just in case the boss of my dream job is somehow reading this!

Fifteen Minutes to Monday Morning

2006-10-29T23:45:00.000-05:00

Hi.

It's Sunday night and I am doing the usual avoiding going to bed because I'm not the biggest fan of Monday mornings (plus I had a lot of coffee today and took a two hour nap in the afteroon... so wonderful). So I'm eating stale cinnamon hearts that I found in the back of my closet (thanks, Laura!), watching videos on YouTube and surfing news websites.

I feel distracted. Even tonight I have a million things I want to blog about but no focus to actually think about them. I think this is going to be a distracting week. That's okay. Should be interesting. Bring on the coffee!

"I don't want to wait..."

2006-10-24T22:07:00.000-05:00

"...for our lives to be over, I want to know right now what will it be?"

Okay, so that's a little melodramatic (unusual for me, isn't it? HA!). That's not even my favourite song (those honours go--at least for tonight--to "Beautiful Creature" and "I don't Feel Like Dancing"). But anyway, to the less trivial stuff...

Now that I'm seriously trying to make decisions about my future and escape the limbo of two part time jobs (a situation which I actually enjoy but realize cannot remain permanent), I find myself excited but increasingly frustrated. I feel like I've been in this suspended state of waiting for so long--not wasting my time in my current jobs but not actively pursuing what I'm truly interested in doing. Still, I thought I knew what I wanted and where I was headed; then, the other night, browsing online job descriptions, I found what I think is my dream job with an organization I hadn't thought much about in the past. This is not my one-day-if-I-work-really-hard-I-might-get-there kind of dream job; I think I may have found the job that I am qualified for now and think I would absolutely love. (I am hesitant though to make too big a deal about it, lest I get it and then discover it's not all I thought it would be...!) The biggest drawback? It's in the States and I don't know how interested they'd be in hiring a Canadian. Still, I know that's not an obstacle beyond my God--He holds the whole world in his hands, right? If it's meant to be He'll open the right doors. So for now I wait, try not to get too wrapped up in the possibilities and try to come up with creative answers for everyone who wants to know what my plans are for the future. Ultimately, I just want what God wants (and please do hold me to that statement when He sends me somewhere I wouldn't have chosen myself!).

That's all for now. It's all so vague, I know--not typically like me in real life, but that's all that you're going to get on the Internet. My friends who want to know more can take me out for coffee and we'll talk there! (For the record, my current favourite Starbucks drink is the raspberry latte. As a perk, it happens to be pink.)

What do you want to be when you grow up?

2006-10-21T11:32:00.000-05:00

I was away part of last week, pursuing options and trying to figure out what I want to do with my life (or at least the next couple of years). I left thinking I would narrow down my options; I came back realizing that I have competing desires of what I ultimately want for my life. Maybe competing isn't the right word; I know I want to work in journalism, I know I want to touch people and impact their lives; I know I want to feel fulfilled. These are ultimately my goals and they aren't competing; it's the paths that could lead me there that are different. I'm not sure which one to choose.

The funny thing is that I'm not scared. I'm excited! I'm excited to see where I could end up, excited to dive into new experiences, excited to race into the unknown. Hannah gave me a great quote that hit me just at the right time: we do not know what the future holds, but we do know Who holds the future.

I'm ready (I think).

Here's to all the adventures to come!

P.S. Okay, so he's not exactly my journalism mentor. That honour, at least for now, I'll give to Anderson Cooper and Dispatches from the Edge. I'll have to blog about that soon...

Have I ever mentioned...

2006-10-10T20:13:00.000-05:00

...that my first movie crush was Christian Bale in "Little Women" when I was eleven?

...that the only kind of pants I like to wear are jeans?

...that if they were to make a movie about my life, I would pick Jennifer Aniston to play me?

...that if I could have any person's voice, I would pick Christina Aguilera (with Kelly Clarkson running in at second)?

...that if I was in Star Wars, I would want a purple light saber?

...that my favourite months of the year are February, May, July, September and December (though not necessarily in that order)?

...that I have awesome friends--and just to top it off, they're all gorgeous?

P.S. I feel the need to write something serious or spiritual, but not tonight. Actually, I'm rapidly getting the urge to get back into some sort of writing, period! Anyway, I'll save all that for another night... suffice to say that I love God, that I love God even when I don't know how to thank Him, and that He is good. Sweet dreams everyone!

This Ice Queen Don't Shmooze

2006-09-17T23:46:00.000-05:00

Idol ended tonight, on a gorgeous warm night that reminded me of what a fun summer I had this year. There's lots I could write about, but it's late and I still have stuff to do, so I will only record my favourite consolation: I have found someone in the world who dances worse than me. How awesome is that?!

Sock hopping my way to bed,
XOXO,
Krista

Stargazing

2006-09-10T22:07:00.000-05:00

Question: What makes two girls balance precariously, barefoot, on two handrails for an hour?

Answer: Why, nothing less than Brad Pitt, of course.

I love hanging out with Hannah because she can turn anything into a crazy, memorable adventure--and that's certainly what we did last night. If we're going to be ridiculous enough to go downtown just to see an incredibly hot, well dressed film star, we're going to make it fun. So we balanced on hand rails just to catch a glimpse of Brad, discussing how bizarre it is that people would take time out of their day just to see a person who they don't know and will never know. Our determination did pay off and at last we caught a glimpse of the man himself. He spent a while on the red carpet, signing autographs and doing interviews and generally looking hot-tsssss before going into his movie... then a bunch of us had dinner and chilled, trying to enjoy the last of the summer!

Yes, one more memory to chalk up to Summer 2006. It's been a blast... and it's not even over yet!

Not much to say except...

2006-08-29T22:52:00.000-05:00

I'm thankful for friends.

I'm thankful for fun.

I'm thankful for coke (and for Shoppers Drug Marts that stay open until midnight so you can get one when the desire comes so strong it almost knocks you over).

That's all for tonight.

XOXO,
Krista

What's New?

2006-08-23T23:10:00.000-05:00

So, a lot of stuff has happened since I last blogged...

I have a new favourite ice cream flavour: pina colada. It's best from one of the ice cream shops in Unionville; they even put coconut on it! I had one on the weekend and have been desperate to go back since...

I have a new favourite song: Pink's "Who Knew". Current runner up is Soul Patrol's "Chasing Cars".

I have a new addiction: surfing Ebay. Maybe even buying stuff on Ebay.

Yes, life is good. Never perfect, never without regrets, but there is always so much for which to be thankful. So much. Enjoy the last few weeks of summer, babes!

Roger's Cup

2006-08-13T22:04:00.000-05:00

I went to the Rogers Cup today--and it did indeed turn out to be Roger's cup, although after seeing him struggle against Gasquet during the first set I was half expecting an upset. At one point during the game, someone yelled from the stands, "He's only human, Gasquet!" Nevertheless, Federer did prove that he still is the game's top player and walked away two sets later with the victory.

The nicest thing, even better than seeing Federer play, was spending the day with my Dad. We haven't had much (any?) one-on-one time this summer and today was a great way to make up for that. We watched the mens' doubles and singles finals and roasted in the sun together, ate overpriced food sitting on the ground since all the tables were occupied and walked my old campus since they made us park so far from the stadium. I realize how blessed I am to have a dad in my life who not only loves me but wants to spend time with me. It's fun to be your dad's princess. Not every girl gets this and I never, never want to take it for granted.

Finally, my day's random observations:

- Tennis players are nice looking. Almost as nice looking as soccer players.

- Tennis matches really are quiet. There are no yelling vendors, no fans screaming and holding signs, no Jumbotron advertisements during play. "Quiet please..." (The referee actually never said that today; I was kind of disappointed.)

- Most of the advertisements for Andy Roddick show him with his shirt lifted up. I'm not sure why because his belly button hair is super unattractive. Why not showcase the winner of a face? (Thumbs down, too, to Roddick for passing on Toronto in order to prepare for the U.S. Open.)

- Tennis players seem more natural than other sports players. I think it's because they carry their own gear onto the court. The post-game speeches to the crowd probably help too. Somehow they seem so much more down to earth than other sports players.

- I want to go to Wimbledon.

Come Sail Away

2006-08-08T23:21:00.000-05:00

Today was one of those days that felt like it had a whole week packed into it. It started with me attempting to get to work early to make up the time I'd missed when I crawled out early in writhing pain on Friday. I had to put my make up on at the bus stop.

I spent the day doing the usual: filing, typing tape labels and working on the budget special I've been shotlisting for weeks (it's a wonder I don't dream of Mike Duffy every night...). I didn't have a car so I had to take transit to the Convention Centre after work. That also meant, of course, that I got to reapply my make up on the subway. Eventually I ended up at Idol, and I must say that I really loved seeing Dennis De Young perform "Mr. Roboto" and "Come Sail Away". (They may be stuck in my head for weeks...)

A few other stops later, I ended up at the grocery store at midnight, searching for celery. I thought all grocery stores had celery. This particular one was apparently the exception. I checked the produce aisle everal times, wondering if I was just too tired to notice it. As I made my way to the cash register with a cucumber instead, I remembered that I still had my Idol tattoo pasted to the back of my neck (David Beckham style, hehe). That wouldn't look tacky at all...

I'm going to wash my make up off now--and the tattoo. Good night, beautiful people!

I'm sailing away, set an open course for the virgin sea

I've got to be free, free to face the life thats ahead of me

On board, I'm the captain, so climb aboard

Well search for tomorrow on every shore

And I'll try, oh Lord, I'll try to carry on

I look to the sea,

Reflections in the waves spark my memory

Some happy, some sad,

I think of childhood friends and the dreams we had

We live happily forever, so the story goes

But somehow we missed out on that pot of gold

But we'll try best that we can to carry on

A gathering of angels appeared above my head

They sang to me this song of hope, and this is what they said

They said come sail away, come sail away

Come sail away with me

Come sail away, come sail away

Come sail away with me

P.S. I've been listening to the song and I think the reason why I absolutely love it is that it's a sad song that breaks into a happy beat. That's kind of like life... there will be a lot of regrets, a lot of disappointments, a lot of pain, but you can't let them hold you back forever. Life will go on, whether you like it or not--so while you can't run away from your problmes, you can't let them hold you back from life, either. The more I live, the more I realize it's true: good and bad run on parallel tracks and usually arrive at about the same time. I want to be able to recognize this and live always moving forward--sailing into the wind, as it were.

And now I'm going to bed for real this time...

Long Weekend

2006-08-06T22:33:00.000-05:00

I like long weekends.

I like spending them at weddings (even--or should I say especially--if at said wedding you get to do the chicken dance--twice--with your table to get the bride and groom into lip lock).

I don't like spending them at the hospital. (My arm is all bruised from two rounds of blood work and it hurts. I think I had my first pregnancy test too. Don't worry. It's standard for all women of childbearing age. Plus it was negative. Oh, and I didn't faint when they were taking my blood, though I think I came close the second time. My veins were so thin because I hadn't eaten or drank for fourteen hours--preparation for having an ultrasound--and the nurse had to dig deep with the butterfly needle to find a blood source. She found it just in time, I think--the world had almost begun spinning.)

So, clearly, it's been an interesting long weekend so far. I won't complain, though, because there is no work on Monday! So wherever I end up, I'm going to find some way to enjoy it. Here's to you all doing the same!

Don't Dream of Food

2006-07-31T21:33:00.000-05:00

The following story, while true, has been slightly melodramaticized for purely entertainment purposes. Oh, and melodramaticized isn't even a word.

I had a lot of fun on Saturday. I spent the afternoon shopping with my mom and the evening with friends at the jazz festival. I went to bed thinking about souvlaki.

The next morning I woke up late and had to run to make it on time for church (well, my version of "on time"... somewhere between fifteen minutes and half an hour late). I grabbed one of the pairs of pants I had bought with my mom the day before... and couldn't pull them up. I tried to slow down, yank harder. They would not, could not go on.

How does your butt get bigger overnight??!!

I was confused and a little freaked. I had heard about feet swelling, but this, this had to be impossible! How could my pants size have changed so much so that I could hardly pull up, much less work the zipper, on a pair of pants that fit perfectly a few hours before?!

Then I realized what had happened: the size had been switched at the cashier. The pair I had brought to the counter didn't have a tag, so the salesgirl went and took another pair. She obviously didn't check the size all that carefully. She had grabbed one two sizes smaller. Funny thing is that I remember even asking her to make sure the size was right. I guess I should have checked it myself.

In any case, at least the mystery was solved relatively easily and painlessly, save the moment of horror when I first attempted to put them on. Of course, I did have to spend half my afternoon trying to return them (and almost fighting a salesgirl who didn't seem to understand what had happened and gave me a hard time over it...). Ah, life...

The moral of this story: dream of food and you may end up in a shopping nightmare.

So... how are you?

2006-07-23T22:06:00.000-05:00

Lately I've been struck by my own selfishness. A lot of it has to do with a bad habit I picked up working in a doctor's office: not asking people "how are you?" Most people are in the doctor's office because they're not okay, so asking "how are you?" seems insulting (as was insinuated a few times when I did ask people). Recently I discovered that this habit had spilled over into my outside life and I realized I've become downright rude to people on the periphery of my life. I get so caught up in myself that I don't bother to take the time to notice others or acknowledge them. So I'm trying to make a deliberate effort to ask "how are you?", to wish salespeople a nice day, to thank the bus driver. They're people I may never see again but that isn't an excuse to not be nice.

This then makes me demand even more from myself in my relationships with my friends and family, people who are personally involved in my life. I never want to be too busy that I can't reach out to them. I never want to be so distracted that I don't notice how they're hurting. I never want to be so distant that they can't can't count on me. I want them to be able to trust me that I'll keep my word, that I'll stick things out with them, that I'll be straight up and honest.

So there you go. Feel free to hold me accountable.

Idol

2006-07-18T22:47:00.000-05:00

I went to Canadian Idol tonight. I was pulled in as part of the "tattoo crew"--something that wasn't confirmed until this morning (after I had arrived at work with no change of clothes and no make up bag). Then, once I arrived, I found out I was indeed getting tickets to stick around and see the live show. Half an hour before I had to be in my seat, I was given a ticket for the front row. I madly text messaged a few people (i.e., parents) as I was going down into the theatre because I wanted someone to know I was going to be on TV! After seeing the judges get their hair and make up touched up literally every commercial break, I was jealous--especially because I was wearing the same pants I had (somehow) spilled yogurt on at lunch. (For the record, Sass Jordan had an awesome pair of black and white striped pants on today. I want them!)

Feeling hopelessly messy aside, the whole evening was really fun. Tattooing was great. Everybody there was excited to go to the Idol show: lots of little kids with signs, lots of parents who are just as happy and want to be tattooed, lots of grandparents who are feeling cool! It was fun to put Idol tattoos on them and ask them about their favourite contestant (all while trying to hide the fact that I haven't followed the show and didn't know any of the top ten kids' names... yeah, I kind of felt bad getting front row seats after meeting all the diehards!). Ultimately, I think what I liked best was being at an event that incorporated pop culture and was at the same time family-oriented. I love seeing families having fun together!

It was really awesome to attend the show itself. All the contestants seem so young, clearly nervous and so emotional. Kati Durst was either on the verge of tears or crying most of the time and I don't know how she pulled it together to sing her final song once it was confirmed she'd been voted off. During the montage of her Idol journey, Ben Mulroney was rubbing her arm as she was trying not to completely fall apart. Half of the girl idols were already in tears. As Kati sang her last song, they were all hugging and asking each other if they were okay. (As a side note, Kati's cute even when she's falling apart. I think she looks like Avril Lavigne and Rachel McAdams put together.)

My favourite moment of the night was when Ben come to the judges' table during a commercial break to ask Sass Jordan if the idols did a good job singing one of her songs in the medley. Runner up: me catching one of the judges picking a wedgie. I won't say who, but yeah, I was that close to the front.

All in all, I had a lot of fun. What can I say? Working at a TV station has its perks. This kind of stuff makes all the long days hauling boxes, sitting at the typewriter or shotlisting hours of budget specials worth it.

Today was memorable for another reason: I tried not one but two new foods. I had never had street meat and I had never had bubble tea. Thanks to CTV and a pre-show hotdog, I am no longer afraid of street vendors. After the show, I met up with Rachel and Alfred who convinced me to try bubble tea and thanks to them, I am no longer afraid of the tapioca balls. Yes, I feel very accomplished, haha!

And that, as they say, is that. Time to sleep! It's only Wednesday and I feel like I've lived a whole work week already... it's a good tired, though. I don't mind!

Any excuse to laugh it up...

2006-07-17T21:50:00.000-05:00

One of my favourite things about the summer is just kicking back and hanging out--mostly because I love the people and especially because you never know what might go down. This past couple of weeks I've discovered a couple new party tricks, one involving a geyser (thanks to James and Elizabeth) and one involving a very dry mouth (courtesy of Steph). So I might just have to have a party to show them off...

In the meantime, enjoy the heat, catch a summer comedy and have a frappuccino!

It's all about me

2006-07-14T23:44:00.000-05:00

This week I was apparently christened with two new nicknames: K-Star (from Marielle and Danielle) and Bebe (from some of the ladies at CTV). It's not that I've never had nicknames before, but I don't think I've ever been given two in the same week. Random, huh?*

Happy weekend,
Kita bee/Pretty Little Krista/Krista Fink-Nottle/Baby Brat/Kass/K-Star/Bebe

* Yes, random is one of my favourite words... just like "interesting" or "that works" or a whole bunch of other things I can't remember right now. It's after midnight... sleep well--I know I will!

Viva Italia

2006-07-09T21:57:00.000-05:00

The World Cup is over with an Italian victory. I enjoyed the game despite my general dislike of games that end with shootouts. Today's most memorable moments:

Best goal: Materazzi heads it in from a corner kick to tie the game at 1-1.

Best tantrum: Zidane's head butt. You have got to wonder what Materazzi said to him.

Weirdest moment: After the victory, one of the Italian players has his Sumo wrestler-esque hair cut off, then runs around the field carrying a handful of it.

Favourite Italian food, runner up: Bruschetta.

Favourite Italian food: Pizza.

All time favourite moment, runner up: Italian captain Fabio Cannavero picks a wedgie on international television.

All-time favourite moment: As Zidane got his injured shoulder sprayed with a freezing agent, Anna asked, "Is that deodorant?"

And that's that. Until South Africa, 2010...

Intestinal Fortitude

2006-07-07T22:38:00.000-05:00

Today was the first Friday in several weeks where I didn't have a soccer game to watch and make the 3-5 PM window pass more quickly. I miss World Cup already and it's not even over yet... So, without further ado, I had to find my entertainment elsewhere, and here are my World Cup fixes for today.

First, an article I stumbled across in the Globe and Mail. It's a story about a company that, as an attempt to promote their statistics software, has come up with a scoring formula to track the team with the worst behaviour. Teams rack up points for players having tantrums, faking injuries, diving, fighting with the referees and (my favourite) not singing their anthem. Take a look to find out who came on top and which team is the goody two-shoes of the tournament!

Also in honour of the upcoming game, check out the Italian training camp video (thanks to Liana and Jared for showing it to me!). What can I say? Should be a good game on Sunday. Antics notwithstanding, blood dictates my loyalties, so viva Italia!

Fix number three is courtesy of David Beckham and Rio Ferdinand (my little sister Katrina's favourite player since he's so easy to recognize!). Watch Beckham freak out and jump out of a moving taxi in Ferdinand's version of Punk'd.

The World Cup of Hair, while undoubtedly cheesy, has some great captioning. I think some of its writers must be British. My favourite line of all is #14: "The spiked look: Polish forward Euzebiusz Smolarek keeps his eyes on the ball, and his time on his hair." Also memorable: "Bleached look: South Korean forward Lee Chun-soo is not a natural blonde" and the Korean afro.

The last one is my favourite commercials from the World Cup, the Adidas Jose +10 "Impossible is Nothing" ones. What can I say? Soccer is a great game. The kid is really cute too. I am going to miss seeing him order around the players once Sunday's game is over, hehe.

And that's the round-up. Until next time...

P.S. The title of the blog is courtesy of the British sportscaster who, in that disappointing game where England lost on penalties, commented that having played with 10 men for much of the game, the Brits had shown great "intestinal fortitude". I was like, "Huh? What does that mean?" My 14-year-old brother Jonathan enlightened me: "Guts."

Just another reason to love the game...

When Faith and Feelings Collide

2006-07-04T21:31:00.000-05:00

A couple weeks ago, driving home in a huge rainstorm, Danielle challenged me (as she always does!) to make sure I'm balancing the cognitive and the emotional. So this week, I am asking myself two questions:

What defines me?

More importantly, what am I allowing to define me?

P.S. The pictures are of some pretty ladies who showed up at a wedding a couple weekends ago. Somehow we managed to get them taken before my camera batteries totally died...

Indy

2006-06-28T22:20:00.000-05:00

I arrived home tonight to find out that Amanda's bunny, Indy, died today. Although I try not to get melodramatic, I find myself thinking back to when we got him, when me and my sisters were younger and more innocent--when we were girls with a pet bunny. Not that those days were perfect or even that simple. Actually, we got Indy when I was a teenager and really struggling with a lot of things in my life. I remember one day in particular. I was really, really down about something (can't even remember what) and had gone into the laundry room to cry because it was one of the more secluded rooms in the house. I remember leaning against the door in our old basement so no one could come in, feeling so incredibly alone. I cried for a while, then I picked him up and hugged him because in that moment, I had no one else to hug.

Such a random memory... I think that's why I always loved the cute little guy, no matter how much his cage reeked. Well, that and he didn't pee on the rug!

When did vomiting become a news story?

2006-06-26T23:00:00.000-05:00

Answer: when it happens to the world's most popular soccer player after he scores a game-winning goal at the World Cup.

David Beckham scored the match's only goal yesterday, then turned around and yakked. I think its hilarious to see the media coverage of this 'event'. My personal favourite is the UK Mirror and it's headline "Here We Throw: Becks wondergoal wins it... and then he's SICK on pitch" (emphasis their's). Also from their paper: "The Spewtiful Game".

It's funny to think of all the things that happened in our world yesterday--some good, some bad--and what makes so many headlines is pictures of a hot athlete upchucking. Well, that and him celebrating a successful free kick and a berth in the quarterfinals.

Beckham's own take on his nausea? "It just came out."

Anyway, my apologies if this entry comes across as distasteful (pun completely intentional). I for one find the headlines rather funny and kind of wish I was one of the people who got to write them (all in good time, I guess). In any event, enjoy the day's gratuitous photo of my favourite soccer star, taken in one of his better moments.